Favored

5:42pm. Half opened eyes I stumble into Terminal 1. Its only a short flight, yet want to sleep for its duration. J.S. Bach Harpsichord in C minor in sway with the J train. Suitcase in tow as a portrait of Hemingway stares down over the bronze bulldog that reminds me walking across the greens at Yale. Tension is felt due to what is about to be done by this talented group of cooks.. with addition of their exhaustion of the previous week a lot could go wrong at any point. Grabbing a strong cup of coffee, the work starts to pour on and I can tell this is going to be a long night. Its a feeling thats all to familiar. Its only been part of my being the last decade or so. 

The jobs have changed, the responsibilities altered, environments and any other element that comes with being in the kitchen this long. As of late, I have been in my head to much. This has led me to be in a constant state of self doubt. A faith in myself is no longer as strong, that of my younger years. Like being in a train in India, I’m lost, again. It drives me insane to not have control over this mental and even emotional state, as making a soufflé in a busy service can still cause stress with no way to control it’s rise other then having faith. It is rough on my mental to process this at times, and often I retreat to a darker space. I have been selfishly taking care of me for the moment, I'm not ashamed about it. I currently could not care less about my job nor truly challenged by it but this has given me time to think, even if I’m in kitchen seven days a week there isn't a strain on my brain. Quite possibly why I keep at it even with a slight disdain toward it… with gratitude I remind myself I could quit at any moment…

It has been recently brought to light that I need to let go of this state of doubt, and it couldn't be truer. I’ve been ready to unlock a new ‘level’ in life if you will..I have known this for quite some time, I felt I didn't have the strength to accept it . As one knows, once you hit a new level there are new objectives, priorities, challenges and responsibilities in a different areas of ones life.. professional and other. The time for myself is now and I know that more than anyone. I’ve been tired, physically and mentally but I've been using that as a crutch. I need to reinvent that wheel, starting by systematically dropping negative people and things out of my life that aren't on the same mental wave length as me and my environment or goals. Some may find this cold, I couldn't care. Ive been this way since a young age and am very good and putting up a wall and also putting on a front. This same concept goes for the food I cook people and the restaurants I work for, and with. If it isn't beneficial to me, the environment and attitude or aptitude isn't healthy, consider me out. I have started to align myself with people and events that are happy, pure, true and good. 

Im getting up on my own again. Im going to start cooking food that I want to make, again. To start cooking and working for people that appreciate me and my worth. I wont take ‘No’ for an answer and I will push myself onto this new plain of life. Like a fresh clean canvas. I know it will be difficult at times.. one looses hope often, yet for the first time in a long time I can stare at my own reflection and be less demeaning to myself. A sense of peace, dare I say happiness.

I have a ideas for the future with all the hopes, dreams and just a sprinkle of planning. Ready for my new level in life, every aspect of it. I’m on another flight tonight and have had a moment to reflect these past couple of hours.. It has been a busy past few months, well a busy past year.. the ‘hustle’ is all to real. Interviews, traveling for work while having a full time job, Tv sets, new jobs, chauffeurs, new consultations and convertibles. Its been such a whirlwind of so much good.. I hardly have had time to enjoy any of it. Grinding like mad and putting my best foot forward. Tomorrow will be an early morning back at work, with no real day off till who knows when. Menu planning, restaurant openings, pop up dinners, more flights, art shows and art production, another flight or two. I'm going to start enjoying it.  

Breathe, straighten out your mind and ‘Punch a higher floor!’